The Empty Closet’s New Fun Advice Column: Help Me, Harley!

Hey Harley! I hate Valentine’s Day. I am single and all of my friends have partners. What do I do to make it through the day without destroying my co-worker’s flowers?

Like the great modern day philosophers Donna Meagle and Tom Haverford say, Treat Yo Self! Be your own valentine! Do you have a guilty pleasure? Today is the day to indulge in it. Get your favorite Starbucks drink – the one that is way too expensive to get every time. In fact, get two! Send yourself some flowers or chocolates, or booze for that matter. Whatever makes you happy is what you should be doing today. If watching your co-workers receiving flowers is going to bum you out all day, take the day off. Treat Yo Self! Also, try to remember that this is just a day like any other. I know feeling like the only person left out of a holiday sucks, but honestly, it is a made up day. There are many people out in the world who do not have a significant other to celebrate with them. Even though it may feel like it, you are not alone. Let everyone know that you are going to be at your favorite bar, restaurant, or coffee house that night and invite anyone who is feeling lonely to join you. My guess is you will find many more people embracing the Meagle/Haverford Doctrine than you think.


Harley, I am a girl who is into other girls. How do I find out if the girl I like, likes girls too?

Be bold! Just ask! If she does like girls, hopefully she will be impressed with how direct you are and that will help you start a conversation. I get that it is not always easy to do. I suppose there are sneaky ways that you could try to find out, like asking about past relationships and hoping they reveal something. But keep in mind, a name of a former partner isn’t always going to reveal the orientation of your crush. Her past partners could have been Peter and Paul, but that doesn’t mean that she isn’t also into Mary. Or what if they were named Sam? Is that Samuel or Samantha? I would also recommend that you think about the times that people have tried to get information from you in round about ways. Don’t you always kind of know what they are doing? Doesn’t it usually leave a bit of a bad taste in your mouth? Don’t be that person. So be bold my friend! “Hey, you seem really great. Do you date girls?”


Harley, my boyfriend of four years keeps talking about the new guy at work. He has never talked this much about people at his office. I am starting to get jealous. What do I do?

Jealousy is one of those difficult emotions. It doesn’t feel good, it often causes pain, and yet, it is so hard to move away from. Let’s start with a list of what not to do. DO NOT start talking about the hot guys at your work in an attempt to make him jealous too. DO NOT start acting defensive when he brings up the new guy. DO NOT make him guess what is wrong with you. If the two of you have been together for four years, I am going to guess that this is not the first time you guys have had to weather the jealousy storm. Talk to him! Tell him that you love and trust him, but listening to him talk about his new coworker so much has started to make you feel insecure. He might not even be aware that he is doing it. Give him the chance to tell you what is going on in his mind. It could be, he just thinks he is a cool guy and is excited to have a new friend. He might reassure you and tell you that you are the only man for him. Of course, it is also possible that he does have a crush on him. That could be painful to hear, but at least you will know. With everything out in the open, the two of you can have an honest discussion about next steps. A crush is not infidelity. It is not something that everyone acts on. Let him know what you need from him to feel secure in your relationship. Remember to be honest with him, just as you need him to be honest with you. Good luck!

If you have a question for Harley about love, life or anything in between- send an email to: 

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